Pope’s New Dispensation Dissed by Catholics

Pope Announces Any Time Spent Watching ‘The View’ Counts As Time Served In Purgatory

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis has made one of his official, Popey announcements. (For our Protestant audience, a declaration from the pope is kinda like when Russell Moore tweets something; it carries a lot of weight for Catholics.)

Anyway, the pope declared that any time you’ve spent watching The View in this life will count as time served in purgatory.

“Frankly, if you watch those women bickering, that’s punishment enough,” said Pope Francis in a speech. He declared that your time will be tallied up by the angels, who will then mark that off as though you’d spent the time in purgatory.

The pope said the exchange rate for time is about 1 hour of The View for a “good six months” of purification in purgatory.

“Exchange rates fluctuate, of course, and it depends on the episode,” he remarked. “An episode with Alyssa Milano or Chelsea Clinton is obviously worth a lot more than a regular episode.”

The show’s ratings saw a small bump after the announcement but ticked back down when Catholics realized they’d rather just spend time in purgatory.



  1. Honestly, having been RC before Orthodox, I couldn’t tell is this was legit, or, if it was BabylonBee or Eye of the Tibet…which is really sad lol

  2. In separate news, it looks like the Church of Russia has excommunicated Patriarch Theodore of Alexandria, but, will remain in communion with those diocese of the Alexandrian Church that do not support the Ukrainian schismatics. They have also decided to remove the Russian parishes in Africa from the jurisdiction of Alexandria.
    This makes me wonder what the clergy of Sub-Saharan Africa will do. Some of them have already been reprimanded by their metropolitans for not supporting the Ukrainian schismatics. 

    • Antiochene Son says

      The Alexandria hierarchs are literally turning Ukraine into a religious test. Doesn’t Constantinople keep pointing out that this is an administrative, not a dogmatic, issue? Priests have no freedom of conscience to disagree with an administrative decision?

      • AS,
        if Bartholomew wants to become an infallible Pope, is THAT an administrative decision or a dogmatic one rather?
        A couple of days ago Michael Bauman said that it was a good thing Cple was under the Turks and not under the Pope!

    • George Michalopulos says

      Well, considering the fact that Moscow does not need a release from a bishop not in communion, should a priest or parish want to be placed under Moscow’s omorphor…

  3. Well, if I remember correctly, this pope has in fact granted an indulgence for following the papacy through Twitter. Seriously! Years shaved off eternity…?

  4. Delightful! Thank you from one in the Romish Persuasion. 🙂

  5. Orkney hermits excommunicated for calling Pope a ‘heretic’

    By Huw Williams
    BBC Scotland reporter


    • Quote from the report:

      “One church insider said that there are about 700,000 Catholics in Scotland, but just three hermits. To call them marginal “would be doing them a favour”, he added.”

      Obviously this ‘church insider’ knows nothing about the history of monasticism…

      The RCs have really lost just about everything, including their minds.

  6. “Francis’ Christmas Concert Included Pachamama Catechesis (Video)”
    EP: ‘There are no doctrinal differences between us’.