Oh Beehave!

Y’all know the Babylon Bee, right?  Thought I would brighten up your day just with the titles of some of their recent articles about all things Church-related





American Christian Thanks God He Doesn’t Live In One Of Those Communist Countries Where The Government Can Shut Churches Down On A Whim

Tragedy: Pastor Just Preached Best Sermon Of His Life And Forgot To Hit Record




Lazy Pastor Starts Broadcasting Reruns


As Nation Reopens, Churches Having To Remind People To Put On Pants






Church Deploys Drones To Make Sure Worshipers Sit, Stand, Raise Hands When Instructed


Church Members Worshiping At Home Could Get Used To This Mute Feature


Episcopal Church Reports No Change In Attendance In Recent Weeks


Man In Coma For Past Month Arrives At Church, Assumes He’s Been Left Behind

Churches To Send Greeters Door To Door During Remote Services






Nation’s Churches Host Live-Streamed Potlucks 





No Greater Love: Widow Puts Last Toilet Paper Roll In Offering Plate




Church Adds Laugh Track After Pastor’s Jokes









  1. Michigan Orthodox says

    New edition of “12 Things I Wish I’d Known” outlines COVID-19 procedures

    City police use church live-streams to enforce social distancing, attendance limits

    Theotokos cancels myrrh-streaming icons due to lack of need

    New service books to censor Pentecost mention of Christ breathing on the Apostles

    Synod declares “Governor’s Intentions” to be the eighth Holy Mystery

    Pastors ordered to read pandemic executive orders before homily at each Divine Liturgy

    Departed Archbishop who vocally opposed frequent communion to be fast-tracked to canonization, sources say

    Canon lawyers scour ancient sources for a saint who offered incense to the Roman Emperor

    Athos to offer new antiviral incense

    • Michigan Orthodox says

      Bride separates from Bridegroom amid pandemic, citing “trust issues”; Bridegroom notes abandonment 
      Priest defrocked after hand sanitizer dispenser runs dry
      Elderly prosphora baker arrested, excommunicated for not adequately sterilizing home kitchen
      Bishop recovering after attempt to swallow camel
      Citing safety, robot avatars to replace clergy, parishioners at local parish
      Spiritual court to rule whether “Receive the body of Christ” is a violation of ninth commandment

      Seminarian expelled, asking professor if this is “all an elaborate s*** test”; prof says following orders is “most important quality of clergy”

      Problematic healing miracles of Christ under review for “dangerous scientific inaccuracies,” experts say

      Governor: Life-saving abortions must continue; churches dangerous places of death

      Millions already dead of coronavirus; scientists to explain how when data comes in
      Parish janitor placed on administrative leave after forgetting to sterilize icons between third and sixth hours
      Metropolitan burns down church exposed to COVID-19 parishioner: “I had no choice”
      Elderly woman, longtime Sunday School teacher dies without communion; “this is saving lives,” bishop explains

      Parish council asked to resign after voting down bishop’s $11,000 coronavirus retrofit plan
      “I’m not going to train my replacement”: Saint Panteleimon Orthodox Church patron quits after fumigation tent installed in narthex
      Archdiocese approves new “parking lot  liturgy” that can be celebrated in under 1 minute; governor applauds

      New study of Romans 13 shows Saint Paul sought explicit state approval for everything he did; bishops sigh with relief

  2. Sage-Girl says

    ?… have to admit there’s silver lining to humongous disruption of Pandemic in regards to some Orthodox churches:
    certain annual events, I believe, will Never return as before + that’s a good thing! ?
    Kyrie Eleison… I pray these cancellations will give pause to reflect … it’s as if God heard me weep last summer, after a large church event left me feeling I had visited a devil’s cauldron.
    Yea, May It Be Blessed ?

  3. Those gave me a laugh. It’s still sad but at least smiling helps 
    The bishops seem to be worshiping the Religion of Science. Just watched a good video that two Orthodox guys did on this. The entire thing isn’t about this, but the topic is covered:

    • George Michalopulos says

      What we do without The Babylon Bee?
      This reminds me of a Southpark episode in which Eric Cartman is woken in the future after falling in a deep freeze.  In this future, Science reigns supreme but the various “scientists” have fallen into sectarianism and they kill each other.  As some are wounded and dying they gasp out “Praise Science!” and then expire.
      It’s hilarious.

      • Sage-Girl says

        Thanks George for supplying us amusement via the Babylon Bees ?  – Lord we need fun Now more than ever! 
        I’m feeling hopeful ?as we open up our ghost town country, we shall blossom again – keep the faith 

    • Michigan Orthodox says

      Excellent channel worth subscribing to.